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The Holy Gospel According to John (Moses Browning)
1. In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was the pistol, and it
was good. And behold the Lord said, thou shalt not muck with my
disciple John's design for it is good and it worketh. For John made
the 1911, and lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the
Lord, gave him upon the mountain.
2. And shouldst thou muck with it and hang all manner of foul
implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely
have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come
to harm.
3. And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst
forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe
of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide
releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the
tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their clearness of mind
being clouded by lust.
4. Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911
and did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo,
the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911
so that the lowly field worker could not afford one. And the profaning
of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the
land fell upon it.
5. And lo, they didn't install adjustable sights, which are an
abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and loose their zero
when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain
in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle.
6. And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought
by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunction to come
upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do
no wrong.
7. Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men the lord of the
underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst
bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they
looked and felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they
were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of
them.
8. And being a deceitful spirit the lord of the underworld did make
these plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they
were unable to muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did
function.
9. And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger
didst both cock and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make
them appear safe.
10. But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and did
proceed to shoot themselves with the plastic pistol, and with the
trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great
intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to
gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent
discharges which they themselves had committed.
11. And when man had been totally ensnared with plastic pistol, the
lord of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-BOOM to
descend upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution
upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the
land.
12. Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that
man was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his
messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings
of the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their
proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin
to work as the prophet had intended.
13. And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and
profaners from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land,
except for the evil sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men
and women of the land and who were sent to the place of eternal
damnation by the followers of John.
1. In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was the pistol, and it
was good. And behold the Lord said, thou shalt not muck with my
disciple John's design for it is good and it worketh. For John made
the 1911, and lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the
Lord, gave him upon the mountain.
2. And shouldst thou muck with it and hang all manner of foul
implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely
have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come
to harm.
3. And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst
forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe
of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide
releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the
tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their clearness of mind
being clouded by lust.
4. Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911
and did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo,
the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911
so that the lowly field worker could not afford one. And the profaning
of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the
land fell upon it.
5. And lo, they didn't install adjustable sights, which are an
abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and loose their zero
when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain
in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle.
6. And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought
by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunction to come
upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do
no wrong.
7. Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men the lord of the
underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst
bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they
looked and felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they
were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of
them.
8. And being a deceitful spirit the lord of the underworld did make
these plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they
were unable to muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did
function.
9. And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger
didst both cock and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make
them appear safe.
10. But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and did
proceed to shoot themselves with the plastic pistol, and with the
trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great
intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to
gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent
discharges which they themselves had committed.
11. And when man had been totally ensnared with plastic pistol, the
lord of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-BOOM to
descend upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution
upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the
land.
12. Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that
man was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his
messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings
of the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their
proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin
to work as the prophet had intended.
13. And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and
profaners from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land,
except for the evil sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men
and women of the land and who were sent to the place of eternal
damnation by the followers of John.
